once more

it's been a pretty craptastic week or two. i can't seem to get into rhythm. i'm in this weird limbo/transition period right now, and i don't like it. God has been revealing a lot of idols in my heart lately. i keep telling Him what i want, and He keeps asking if i trust Him... i don't really like this dialog. i mean i do, but it's been difficult. i deeply desire more of Him, and yet i struggle against it. i debating how much to share of what's floating in my head, because a lot of my thoughts would seem pretty random to most, and yet somehow they all fit together for me. i have a lot of time, and yet i feel like God has been calling me to be still. i try to get lost in distraction, and so i've been struggling with sin. lust and gluttony are my distractions of choice. oh how easily i wander, how easily i'm pulled away and ensnared by the immediate relief they offer. i've been doing a lot of remembering lately, a lot of reflecting. i miss a lot of things... God why do i have these memories, what would you have me to do with them? how easily i doubt His promises, how quickly i forget His faithfulness. i'd like to leave this all tidy and concluded, but sitting here, i feel like a mess. i can't always finish with answers because i'm still in progress.