undeserved

"I just can't forgive Pam's adultery," Rick said. "She says she's sorry and she's begged for forgiveness, but I can't forget what she did. Its like a huge wall between us, and I can't get though it."

"So you think divorce is the answer?" I asked.
"I don't know what else to do! I told her that I forgive her, but I just can't be close to her again. She's depressed and has withdrawn even further from me. I'm afraid she's going to look for intimacy with someone else again. We're both in agony, and it seems like we'd be better off divorced."

I could see the weariness in his face. "I'm sure both of you are in terrible pain, Rick. But I don't think divorce is going to end it. You'll just trade one kind of pain for another. There is a way to keep your marriage together and to truly put the past behind you. But you won't find in with the empty forgiveness you've offered Pam."

"what do you mean,'empty forgiveness'?"
"Rick, imagine that you had just confessed a serious sin to God, and for the first time in your life He spoke to you audibly: 'I forgive you, Rick, but I can't ever be close to you again.' How would you feel?"

After an awkward pause, he replied, "I guess I'd feel like God hadn't really forgiven me."
"But isn't that exactly the way you are forgiving Pam?" I asked.
Rick looked at the floor, wrestling for an answer.
In a softer voice, I continued, "Imagine instead that God said., 'Rick I forgive you. I promise never to think about your sin again, or to dwell on it or brood over it. I promise not to talk to others about it. And I promise not to let this sin stand between us or hinder our relationship.'"
After a long silence, tears began to fill Rick's eyes. "I would know I was completely forgiven... But I wouldn't deserve that kind of forgiveness after the way I've treated Pam."
"Would you ever deserve it?" I asked. "God's forgiveness is a free gift purchased for you by Jesus' death on the cross. He doesn't forgive you because you've earned it. He forgives you because He loves you. When you truly understand how precious and undeserved His forgiveness is, you will want to forgive Pam the same way He has forgiven you."

"I know I should, but how could I ever keep those promises? I can't imagine forgetting what Pam did! And i just don't feel like I could ever be close to her again."
"Hold on, Rick. Where in the Bible does it say that forgiveness is forgetting? Or that it depends on feelings? Forgiveness is a choice, a decision you make by God's grace in spite of your feelings. Of course it's hard, especially in a case like this. But if you ask for God's help as you make those promises to Pam, He will give you the grace to follow through on them."

(pg 201) "the peacemaker," ken sande

leave your gift there in front of the altar. first go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.
matthew 5:24 (niv)

so watch yourselves. "if your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'i repent,' forgive him."
luke 17:3-4 (niv)

and when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.
mark 11:25 (niv)

be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in
Christ God forgave you.
ephesians 4:32 (niv)

[Love] keeps no record of wrongs...
1 cor 13:5 (niv)