the tide

the tide ebbs and flows

oceans roar

seas of calm

tossed to and fro

gliding gently

going under

rising swiftly

lost at sea

safely ashore

suffocating

breathing deeply

awaiting death

enjoying life

take me under

lead me home

i celebrate and imitate

"i celebrate the day" - relient k

and with this Christmas wish is missed
the point i could convey

if only i could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life
because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as new year's eve

and from a lack of my persistency
we're less than half as close as i want to be

chorus:

and the first time
that You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior

and the first breath that left Your lips
did You know that it would change this world forever

bridge:

to look back and think that
this baby would one day save me

in the hope that what You did
that you were born so i might really live

to look back and think that
this baby would one day save me

and so this Christmas i'll compare the things i've felt in prior years
to what this midnight made so clear
that You have come to meet me here

and i, i celebrate the day
that You were born to die
so i could one day pray for You to save my life

pray for you to save my life

the Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us. we have seen His glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
John 1:14

He was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification.
Romans 4:25

we are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making His appeal through us. we implore you on Christ's behalf: be reconciled to God.
2 Cor 5:20

whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.
Matt 10:39

the battle wages

the dance begins
and dreams ensue

He loved
you received

He asked
you obeyed

He sustained
through want and plenty

but a new day beckoned
He led, you followed

you crossed his path
he crossed your path

he asked
you answered

he spoke, you listened
you spoke, he listened

He initiated, you reciprocated
He wooed, you drew near

you giggled, he laughed
he enjoyed, you delighted

he impassioned, you embodied
you shone, he radiated

He whispered, you listened
He led, you followed

you waited, he planed
you anticipated, he executed

pointing and reflecting
you reminded, he edified

he battled, you dreamed
you encouraged, he pursued

he asked, you trusted
you followed, he led

though each skirmish
step by step
dancing and dreaming

i desire. i demand.

what causes fights and quarrels among you? don't they come from your desires that battle within you? you want something but don't get it. you kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. you quarrel and fight. you do not have, because you do not ask God. when you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
james 4:1-3

so desire isn't bad. to desire love, to desire acceptance, to desire value and worth. He wired us this way, we were designed to desire these things. but because we are broken, because we are sinners, we've tainted it.

"just as cars were made to run on gas, so we were made to run on Him"
cs lewis

we try to fulfill those desires with creation. when He is enough, He is sufficient. He designed us to be fully satisfied in delighting and enjoying Him forever.

idolatry is desire turned to demand

i understand this intellectually, but how often do i live this way? i begin finding my value and worth in their love and acceptance. an idol is born. i begin expecting encouragement and affirmation. i demand. i begin giving only to receive. i punish. i elevate my desire to need, when my only true need is Christ.

whom have i in heaven but you?
and earth has nothing i desire besides you.
my flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
psalm 73:25-26

may we rejoice that Hope has ransomed us, and that we idolaters are accounted our saviors righteousness.

and may we worship and delight in the One who is worthy, who holds all things together, and who offers life... that is truly life.

the next adventure

so i rarely journal...

but i needed to flesh out some things. i've been in this crazy place lately. it's hard to put to words. maybe i'm just bad with words. it seems when i need them the most they fail me. when i'd like to express myself clearly, i'm the least clear. and yet i have these moments of pure brilliance. that sounded pretty prideful, i apologize. but seriously, like God has allowed me to be present to watch him work. and my heart swells to think that i want that for you. i want you to know Him and see Him, even if for brief glimpses of something indescribable. i desire to share that, to see people encounter and experience Him. i've been feeling discontent lately. i want more than this. and i don't mean like empty. i mean like i feel like i settle for good. but He is great, He is creator King of the universe. am i limiting Him? like my little plans could compare to His? it's just i've seen bad, i've seen ugly, i've seen horrible. like i'm negotiating with Him, and telling Him i'm okay with good... i just don't want horrible. but He's sitting there saying you can do good, but only i can do great. the holidays are hard. this whole single thing is beginning to weigh. like i could have something, but i don't just want something, i want something beautiful ... something that reflects who He is. so i pray for that. i pray for something beyond me, something only He can provide and is capable of.

i've tried to describe my life before, and always the best descriptive i have is i'm caught in the whirlwind that is God. not even sure if that's really adequate, but it's the closest i've got. but if i'm inviting someone to join me in it, i'd have to ask them if they're ready for an adventure. He's been so faithful in that prayer, and the invitation stands.

and so i await the next adventure... maybe the next chapter in the story. you get the picture.