once more

it's been a pretty craptastic week or two. i can't seem to get into rhythm. i'm in this weird limbo/transition period right now, and i don't like it. God has been revealing a lot of idols in my heart lately. i keep telling Him what i want, and He keeps asking if i trust Him... i don't really like this dialog. i mean i do, but it's been difficult. i deeply desire more of Him, and yet i struggle against it. i debating how much to share of what's floating in my head, because a lot of my thoughts would seem pretty random to most, and yet somehow they all fit together for me. i have a lot of time, and yet i feel like God has been calling me to be still. i try to get lost in distraction, and so i've been struggling with sin. lust and gluttony are my distractions of choice. oh how easily i wander, how easily i'm pulled away and ensnared by the immediate relief they offer. i've been doing a lot of remembering lately, a lot of reflecting. i miss a lot of things... God why do i have these memories, what would you have me to do with them? how easily i doubt His promises, how quickly i forget His faithfulness. i'd like to leave this all tidy and concluded, but sitting here, i feel like a mess. i can't always finish with answers because i'm still in progress.

fervently and unceasingly

dear beloved

there are those moments of clarity when things come into focus, and you just know.

you beg and plead for answers, to just understand... and He responds.

how many times do we ask and not listen? how many times have we cried out and assumed Him silent.

but in knowing, can we hold unswervingly to the Hope that we have? can we trust Him, completely and entirely...

we know Him trustworthy and yet tremble at His response.

have you ever been shook to the core, to the very fiber that holds you together?

praying fervently and unceasingly:

that you would know a love that surpasses understanding
that in Him you would find breath and life and every good thing
that you would lose your life to gain it

a dim reflection,
yours