my testimony

During my high school years, my growth in the Lord felt stagnant. Since the day I’d accepted Christ when I was 7, I’d been “active” in my faith. I attended church every Sunday, went on mission trips, tithed 10%, and was actively involved in the church. It seemed the list I had created in what it meant to be a “Good Christian” was getting shorter, but my relationship with God wasn’t getting stronger. I sought counsel from other “Christians”, who suggested that I wasn’t reading the bible enough, or that I should become “more” involved. So I did, and the emptiness remained. It seemed that no one with whom I “fellowshipped” at church could understand my feelings. I struggled to understand if my feelings were from the devil, using them to separate me from God, or if it was Jesus refining me in the fire.

James 1:2-3
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

God revealed to me that the people with whom I “fellowshipped” were not true believers, but posers. They could talk the talk, but they didn’t walk the walk.

Matthew 7:15-23
"Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thorn bushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them. "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!

Galatians 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

I struggled with this realization, as how could people who professed Christ with their mouths, not live it by their actions.

Romans 7:7-25
What shall we say, then? Is the law sin? Certainly not! Indeed I would not have known what sin was except through the law. For I would not have known what coveting really was if the law had not said, "Do not covet.” But sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, produced in me every kind of covetous desire. For apart from law, sin is dead. Once I was alive apart from law; but when the commandment came, sin sprang to life and I died. I found that the very commandment that was intended to bring life actually brought death. For sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, deceived me, and through the commandment put me to death. So then, the law is holy, and the commandment is holy, righteous and good. Did that which is good, then, become death to me? By no means! But in order that sin might be recognized as sin, it produced death in me through what was good, so that through the commandment sin might become utterly sinful. We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

God showed me that we are bound to sin, except through His son Jesus. In order to live a fulfilled life, I needed to fully submit to His will. It wasn’t necessary for me to fully understand it at all times, just to have faith.

Matthew 7:7-8
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

Now looking back, although God had begun a good work in me, I hadn’t fully understood what God had revealed. I was going to church and seeking true “fellowship” for the wrong reasons. It’s not that they weren’t healthy pursuits, they were, but God wanted to fulfill me in a deeper way. While in high school, I began experiencing loneliness, because during that time in my life, my parents abandoned me. I’d used them up till that point to fill a void; I wasn’t ready to submit to God. When the void became unoccupied, I rushed to fill it of my own will. I thought that my loneliness could only be filled by “healthy” relationships with true believers. God was actually showing me that no human relationship could ever truly fulfill me, and that only in His son Jesus could I find unconditional acceptance. In following my own will, I continued to be disappointed and rejected. I tried to fill my loneliness with food, hobbies, work, sports, friends, and relationships; all of which offered only temporary relief. I started blaming my church, which wasn’t building up believers for Gods glory, but making a mockery of Christianity. In this I became jaded, I couldn’t understand why God would want me involved in church if it was fostering posers. I wasn’t even sure if I was okay being called a “Christian,” as the word had become so diluted in my mind. If the posers called themselves “Christians,” how could I use the same word to describe my faith in action? I was letting Satan deceive me into making these conclusions. God knew my heart, he knew of my struggle, and his love endured. I adopted the belief that church was like school, which establishes your foundation and teaches you the basics. You progress through the different grades, and then graduate. Upon which time you take what you’ve learned and live it. I felt God was showing me it was time to graduate and live it.

Galatians 5:16-18
So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.

At the time, I misconstrued the last sentence of this passage to mean I no longer needed to attend church. I had taken the verse out of its appropriate context in Jesus. The law was holy, but by it we as sinners were condemned to death. Jesus came so that we may live in the law, and not be condemned by it. That doesn’t mean we’re free to do as we please, but that in falling short, we are cleansed by Jesus blood. After leaving my church, I began to live out what it meant to follow Christ. I began developing the philosophy on which my entire existence would be based.

Luke 5:10-11
Then Jesus said to Simon, "Don't be afraid; from now on you will catch men." So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him.

Luke 9:57-62
As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, "I will follow you wherever you go." Jesus replied, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." He said to another man, "Follow me." But the man replied, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father." Jesus said to him, "Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God." Still another said, "I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say good bye to my family." Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."

I struggled with the idea of giving “everything” to Jesus. Could I leave everything and everyone to follow Him? God was showing me that my own will would never truly fulfill me. That in following Him, He would be faithful and provide. I would relinquish my own will for His. I would redefine what success looked like in my life. My mission; that in everything I do, let it be to His glory. I would live out my faith in action. I prayed for the strength to endure, and the wisdom to persevere. I’ve been growing in that commitment ever since.

Philippians 1:6
being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Looking back over these last few years, I can clearly see how God has molded and refined me in ways I could never have imagined. In testing my faith, he called me to Texas. This calling started years earlier, when I wasn’t ready to listen. I remember looking through a geography book in high school, and trying to determine where I would most enjoy living based on climate. Upon completing this research, I’d decided on someplace in Canada. I’d also decided that the place I’d never live (because of climate) was Texas. Years later, while researching the top companies to work for in the computer industry my research led me to San Francisco, CA or Dallas, TX. Remembering my previous climate research, I recalled that San Francisco met many of my climate requirements, and would suit me nicely. Years went by, and He called once more, but this time I was listening. I was enjoying the job He’d provided for me, and was looking for advancement opportunities in the company. I came across one that fit me perfectly, but it was in Dallas, TX. God was revealing His will, and calling me to take action. I had to get my bosses approval before I could submit the application, so I asked him the following day. To my surprise he was fully supportive and had no problem endorsing my application. I began researching the area, and looking for places to live. I searched through online classifieds for the area, and found a few prospects. I’d traveled in or through almost every US state, but I’d never been to Texas. God was showing me His will, but He’d also given me common sense. He’d taught me many years earlier that you don’t make any decision without time and objective consideration. I was able to get a week off work while I drove to Texas alone, and interviewed the prospective roommates. I knew immediately, upon arrival, that it was where God wanted me. I visited the local division and spoke with a supervisor about openings. He informed me they were always looking for good people, and he would happily endorse my transfer. In this started a chain of events that can only be credited to God. In following His will, He began meeting every need. After sharing the decision with my mom and step dad, they voluntarily offered financial support. Upon returning from my trip, I was asked to interview for the promotion. I found a place to live, a huge house, in an awesome neighborhood. I’d also been blessed with a roommate who had made the same transition from California to Texas 12 years earlier. In this God revealed his faithfulness. God had provided me what I thought was the job of my dreams; working full time, getting paid to do what I loved, and making good money. 6 months passed, and God began testing my faith; He began showing me how my job was tearing me down, and not building me up. He was calling me to stand for the truth, and if necessary sacrifice my job. I struggled to understand His will, but He told me to be faithful, and He would provide. He reminded me that I was His, and my purpose was to bring Him glory. I submitted to Him, and He led me to my current employer. His faithfulness endures, as He provides for all my needs.

John 6:35
Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.

I came to understand the true nature of church, and why it is so valuable to God. It’s no longer what I can get from it, but what I can give to it.

Romans 12:3-8
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

In exercising my freedom in Jesus (by not attending church regularly), I’d caused others to stumble, and in so doing fallen short of His will.

Deuteronomy 5:12
"Observe the Sabbath day by keeping it holy, as the LORD your God has commanded you.

1 Corinthians 8:9,11-13
"Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak. So this weak brother, for whom Christ died, is destroyed by your knowledge. When you sin against your brothers in this way and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ. Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause him to fall."

1 Corinthians 10:31-33 "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God— even as I try to please everybody in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved."

I came to recognize my spiritual gifts, two of which are leadership and discernment. He has been calling me to use them for His glory, but I’d allowed the devil to deceive me. I’d allowed his lies to prevent me from sharing my testimony on account of my imperfection. God wants to work through me for His glory, and I will follow by faith. For if my God is for me, who can stand against me?

Romans 8:31
What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us?

Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

Matthew 5:10-11
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. "Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Matthew 5:14-16
"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

In this, I seek His Glory, and In Him I seek wisdom.

* all scripture quoted is from the NIV translation of the bible